destructive danielle it is then.
5:06 p.m. & January 29, 2003

i wish i could cut off my arm. or my hand...or my leg.

maybe then i'd have a reason to fucking cry all the time.

i can't even begin to explain where all this mess started. yes i'm still looking for a place to live. although the stress of that has taken the backseat...no wait...the trunk is the furthest...so yeah...its in the trunk.

have you ever cried so much you've gotten a headache? thats what i've been feeling for the past 2-3 days.

ever want to cut off your hand so maybe then you'd ACTUALLY have a good reason to cry. well believe me...the sound of that is actually quite attractive lately. writhing around your living room, bedroom, and bed...crying...wishing you could take back a few couple words....is pain. not gushing blood from where my hand used to be...i'm never going to be able to draw again pain....but still i can't decide what is worse.

i don't think i've ever regretted something so hard...when it all comes down to a few words.

my head aches...my eyes ache....their a nice color pink-ish red hue though. right in time for valentine season.

sarcastic tipped sentences are the best...especially when you feel like your falling apart inside...and especially when you don't want to cry again.

how can people hurt the people they love. how can i say something so insensitive to josh...yet in the same sentence...proclaim my love for the boy. what is wrong with me?! what is wrong with my mind and my mouth. the two should be disconnected from each other...maybe then i wouldn't get myself into such hot water.

ouch...it burns...and this time...its going to leave a bigger scar then i thought.

i want to sleep forever. i want to tell him...he can hurt me anyway he wants....as long as afterwards he would forgive me and all would be forgotten. how insane do i sound right now? well my mouth is as insane as my mind is.

i've eaten twice today...and not really out of hunger. i've watched a movie, and few sitcoms...but only really thinking about one thing, one person. i feel as if i do anything more...i will only make things so much worse.

and i'll probably eat again...have some pizza rolls and some ranch dressing and some salad. think of josh again...when i eat pizza rolls. try to think back on the last good moment we had alone together. the only thing that makes me smile is that we did something in his house that wasn't in his room or his living room....which is just downright naughty in my book. [smiles]

wow...didn't know i had that in me today...a smile i mean. we did the naughty [not sex!] thing about a week ago. good times i must say.

so i must depart now...apparently we will talk again later...which...i guess is good...considering our 45 minute conversation that ended 10 minutes ago or so...really didn't help matters. i guess we both need to cool down. and i need to learn how to be happy with him...and move past all the things he can't do...and see all the beautiful things he CAN do.

destructive danielle.

or damaging danielle.

or depressed danielle.

or devoted danielle???

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