i just, generally, hate weird feelings all together.
10:07 p.m. & April 08, 2005

i hate weird awkward feelings. i hate like i'm going to let people down. i hate it when people try and use me. i hate feelings anxious and nervous about a new job.

so much going on right now...or at least thats how it feels to me. i'm sure by monday, i'll feel more calm. i have my first training day tomorrow, not training, but, actual first day of checking at my new job. bleh! and my schedule next week is really light. so it'll be nice to ease into working again.

i had this awesome conversation with my mom today. i mean we usually talk every day. but you know what i mean. got alot of stuff out, not like, bad stuff, just stuff. i didn't really go much on the topic of josh...he stayed the night last night. it was fun, but also, different. i really don't know how to explain it without making it sound bad. so, perhaps i'll just wait until i can explain it better in the future.

i so don't want to stay at fred meyers at all. my mom feels like this is a stepping stone kind of job. a one that kind of ties me over. i want to feel the same way, but hoping and truly feeling something are 2 totally different things. as i've learned in the past. plus i'm spending a fortune it seems to take the bus and cabs. bleh, not having a car sucks. not having enough money to go out and buy one sucks. not having a stable enough job to save up for one sucks.

argh!

but really i'm not all that depressed. lol. just really tired...yeah thats definitely a huge factor. i work tomorrow, full day, and sunday, half day, then monday off. wooo i'm looking forward to it. its kind of nice to work, because you really really appreciate that time after work you have for yourself and your days off so much more then when your unemployed. when you don't have a job, every day feels like the one before and you feel poor, useless, and just...nonexistent.

dear, it feels good to write. maybe i'll write tomorrow, tell you how it feels to be a checker again after 3 months. as dmx put it so well "same old shit dog, just a different day"

always yours,
dani

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