it hurt to write this, but i had to.
9:44 p.m. & April 22, 2005

listening to-the postal service. seriously people, what else would i listen to? :P

so many things going on internally. nothing really extrenally. work, time off, spend time with josh, write in here, enjoy time off. pretty much standard good stuff. no real complaints with most of the external elements in my life...

i talked to misti last night, just for about...10-15 minutes. ugh...where i do start? where do i begin? how do i tell all of you that all my friends end up alike? they all end up the same. they all end up doing the same things. in the in process hurting themselves, and hurting me...because i CAN'T help them. its not that i don't want to, trust me, i would do anything to help misti at this point in time. but the thing is, she doesn't want it.

and it hurts being her friend. she had to move way, she had to live with some "guy friend" who is a real immature ass most of the time. and i'm just supposed to act the way i did before? she works 60-70 hours a week, would she really miss me? for a while maybe, in the long run? well who really knows.

she calls to complain/rant about this guy she's living with. and she gets into detail, telling me these stories, that i'm sorry, if they happened to me, i'd be cussing at the guy. thats just the way i handle anger. sorry. but she doesn't handle it, well ok she does, she vents to me. and thats about the end of it. she doesn't vent to the right person. she's basically telling him, you can treat me like shit, i don't care. and i'm basically telling her, yeah it is ok, because i can't really help you at all, because deep down you don't really want my help.

its so hard, so fustrating. so upsetting. i want to help her so much. but she's the one who moved away. she didn't have to move there. she was running away. and those were her words, not mine. its kind of hard to not be mad at someone, when they readily admit, oh yeah i am running away, i just don't want to be here anymore.

what am i supposed to do? what am i supposed to say? how am i supposed to be her friend? with our 2-3 conversations on the phone a week?

the minute she complains about this guy for a while on the phone, and i say something like "good lord, why are you even up there?" she comes back with some stupid remark like "oh i really like the city!!!"

so what? its a big city. you left your family, your friends to live with some creepy guy, to be in a big city and to make lots of money?

then go ahead and do it. i don't think i can really be your friend anymore. people don't understand...

i may come off as a hard friend to live with, but in all actuality its the other way around. people put me in this position, that i hate to be in, and i have no other choice. so i'm just supposed to be your long dsitance friend and say everything's ok and it'll all be ok the minute you start complaining about this creepy guy?

i can't do it anymore. i'm tired of doing it. i'm tired of being the friend who just goes along with whatever you want to do. i can't do it. why the fuck should i? you left me here. and then you expect me to reassure you the moment you have a bad day?

just remember, i didn't move away. i don't put up with an asshole on a daily basis. and hey if you really are going to be making 3000 dollars a month, then thats great, i'm glad people can put a price on happiness these days.

i can't believe that i haven't done that. put a price tag on my happiness. maybe i should just sell out like you did.

why didn't i see this coming,
dani

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